Monday, May 12, 2014


Motherhood never knocked on our door
and days like yesterday makes me painfully aware of it

some people have wondered
and some have asked

yes ~ we wanted kids
yes ~ we tried


we went through testing and poking and prodding
medications, temperature taking
scheduled sex = no romance

we did it all and although there was nothing wrong medically
with either one of us ~ it just did not happen

we did not go the AI or IVF route
at the time it was very costly and something that just was not in the cards
for us

we looked into adopting both locally and internationally
but it was something we did not actively pursue

I will never forget the Mother's Day weekend 2003
I was late ~ really late
we were hopeful ~ almost to the point of going out to buy baby rattles to present 
to both Mom's at dinner on Sunday

we were over the moon ~ it had been a long road and although I had not yet
taken a test ~ I knew it in my heart that there was a life growing ~ it had happened for us

then it was no more ~ I cried hard hot tears
and was at a breaking point ~ ready to give up on it all

the following Monday I was standing at the sink doing dishes
still feeling sorry for myself ~ beaten down ~ low low low
then all of the sudden this scent filled my kitchen
it was like my Dad had just walked through the back door
I was afraid to turn around ~ it had been a couple of years since he had passed
and had never stepped foot in this house as it was new to us

I did turn around ~ there was no one there
and then I leaned down and sniffed the water ~ wondering was was causing 
the scent ~ it was not coming from the sink

it was Dad paying me a visit ~ letting me know that everything was going to be ok

 I am not writing this so you can feel sorry for me
it is not a pity party

I have accepted the fact and am happy

I have 2 beautiful nieces that I love with all my heart

I have children of friends that love me like an Aunt
I have cheered them on ~ praised them
wrapped them tightly in hugs and kisses
they have filled my life with joy

if I only have one regret
it is that my mother in law will never be called Grammy
or Grandma ~ Nanny or Nana
I know she would have loved it

instead she is Grammy to 2 fur babies
the ones I mother and cuddle
the ones I love and cannot imagine being without

so yesterday when we gathered around the table
sharing great food, wine and conversation
I felt blessed to have both Mom's here

I wrote about both of them last year in my
"Women that made me" series ~ you can read about them here and here


Erin @ said...

Thanks for sharing Lori. It's tough to put yourself out there, but hopefully just a tiny bit healing too. It's a good reminder to everyone that many holidays are not celebratory for all or bring just a bit of sadness even if there is also joy.

Take care friend!

mimi charmante said...

Sweet friend, you would have been an amazing mama. You are a wonderful friend and you share your love so freely. Those around you are so incredibly blessed.
Love you~

Foxanddahlia said...

What an amazingly powerful post. Thank you so much for sharing it. xxx

Cathi said...

My son and his wife are going thru this right now having gone thru 2 miscarriages in 2013...(the last one on my birthday. They will be trying out the IVF soon. My heart goes out to all the women that are going thru this or have gone thru this. It's a heartbreaking road. Sending my love to you, lovely friend...You seem like such a fabulous aunt and mommy to your little fur baby....Hugs to you! xxoo

Lou said...

Hi lOri - what a beautifully written, honest post. I was one of the ones 'who wondered' I guess and have seen how much love you have given your nieces and knew you had more to give. Life has a way of working stuff out doesn't it? That idea of your Dad visiting is so powerful; somehow really comforting to me. Lou x