Sunday, February 26, 2017

11:11




OK - here I am - the once a month girl

no excuses though
I had some news to share
and wanted to get it out

3 weeks ago today
my brother was taken to the hospital
he had texted me on Tuesday saying he thought he had bronchitis
while he was at dialysis on Wed, the doctor gave him a prescription
then Saturday he was weak and his cough was bad

texting back and forth that night with his girlfriend
they admitted him, put him right in ICU and on oxygen
he had pneumonia

I did not go in on Sunday as he needed rest more than anything
and I planned to go in after work on Monday

Monday morning I was just leaving the house for work
when the phone rang
it was Stella - Gord's girlfriend - his breathing was bad
they are putting him on a respirator

I rushed to the hospital - scared for him

That first week I spent many hours in ICU
praying - crying - hugging
he was in bad shape - double pneumonia
acute respiratory distress syndrome
and scariest of all - sepsis


with his existing health issues - diabetes, kidney failure and a heart condition
this was not good news
he was so weak - could he fight his way back
all we could do was keep the faith
and pray

we would get good news, then bad news
it has been an emotional roller coaster
prayers pouring in from family and friends
I am thankful for Facebook as I could just post an update
every couple of days

there have been little things happen
they lower the sedation so he opens his eyes when we are there
and he was giving my hand a squeeze

then one night last week I was on my way home
I was feeling down
broken
losing faith

driving in the car - I started talking to Mom
asking her - no telling her - I need you now
I need you to step up - we cannot lose him 
it is not his time - I knew that deep in my heart

feeling what I probably needed was just a good cry

that night I was getting ready for bed
I picked up my phone
it was 11:11

I smiled - looked up and said - ok
you got my message

the next afternoon at work I get a text from Stella
she had met with the doctor
he had said that Gord has just started showing signs of improvement
last night and today

Trev picked my up after work
I said do you really think - was it a coincidence?
no - not a coincidence
we have to believe and keep the faith

I am happy to say that when we went in today
he was awake
we were talking to him and he started to cry
I wiped his tears and told him how proud I was of him
he is a fighter - he fought for his life
and came out the other side

he still has a long road ahead of him
and when he found out the date he could not believe it
I told him I loved him and he mouthed the words back to us

both Trev and I cried in the hall leaving the hospital
but this time they were tears of happiness
a relief that he is coming back to us
with a little help from our angel.

xo




Thursday, January 12, 2017

Out of the Shadows


Yes - here I am 
after 3 months away
truth be told, I did not intend to stay away this long

I have formulated a post in my mind many times
but never pulled the pin to actually sit down and type down the words
until tonight.



When I last posted I had a huge case of daughter guilt
feeling bad that I was not missing Mom
as much as I thought I should

I talked to a few people about how I was feeling
and they all helped in their own ways
but I felt it was time to pull out the big guns
and actually talk to a professional

we have an employee assistance program at work
and it is free, so I made the call

they gave me a choice of sitting down with someone face to face
or I could do it over the phone

I had visions of me laying on a couch with the doc smoking a pipe
and jotting down notes on me
so I opted for the phone call

Did he help me - absolutely
after one hour long conversation he asked questions
and I poured it all out

he asked - so you are feeling guilty because you are feeling some relief that she is gone?
OMG - I am a terrible person if I do admit to that!
seems that I am not so terrible - I loved my Mama deeply
and was there for her through so much
but she was tired ~ and existing 
no longer really living the life she wanted
so it was time for her to join Dad where she has wanted to be
the last 15 years.

So I had 2 phone sessions and felt better
I think I just needed someone to say - hey - it's ok
you don't have to curl up in the fetal position and cry day and night

I threw myself into holiday prep
lists were made, shopping was done
baking and decorating
wrapping and singing Christmas songs

I took a week off in November and got lots done
bought myself a new baby - a Kitchenaid stand mixer
thanks to some money Mom left me
everyone thought I should name her Linda
but I knew something would come to me in time



one night while cooking dinner
the song Ruby Baby by Dion popped into my head
well that was a sign from above and Ruby she became

Mom's birthday is in July with ruby as her birthstone
so it was very fitting

We had a good Christmas - I hosted so it is a lot of work
but I love having everyone gathered around the table
it just makes me happy



New Years Day we always got together for Chinese food
so I wanted to honour the Stiles tradition
and do it again this year with my brother, his fiance and the girls
we raised our glasses and toasted to a life well lived
2017 will be a good year.



Belated Happy New Year
to you and yours

xo