Thursday, January 12, 2017

Out of the Shadows

Yes - here I am 
after 3 months away
truth be told, I did not intend to stay away this long

I have formulated a post in my mind many times
but never pulled the pin to actually sit down and type down the words
until tonight.

When I last posted I had a huge case of daughter guilt
feeling bad that I was not missing Mom
as much as I thought I should

I talked to a few people about how I was feeling
and they all helped in their own ways
but I felt it was time to pull out the big guns
and actually talk to a professional

we have an employee assistance program at work
and it is free, so I made the call

they gave me a choice of sitting down with someone face to face
or I could do it over the phone

I had visions of me laying on a couch with the doc smoking a pipe
and jotting down notes on me
so I opted for the phone call

Did he help me - absolutely
after one hour long conversation he asked questions
and I poured it all out

he asked - so you are feeling guilty because you are feeling some relief that she is gone?
OMG - I am a terrible person if I do admit to that!
seems that I am not so terrible - I loved my Mama deeply
and was there for her through so much
but she was tired ~ and existing 
no longer really living the life she wanted
so it was time for her to join Dad where she has wanted to be
the last 15 years.

So I had 2 phone sessions and felt better
I think I just needed someone to say - hey - it's ok
you don't have to curl up in the fetal position and cry day and night

I threw myself into holiday prep
lists were made, shopping was done
baking and decorating
wrapping and singing Christmas songs

I took a week off in November and got lots done
bought myself a new baby - a Kitchenaid stand mixer
thanks to some money Mom left me
everyone thought I should name her Linda
but I knew something would come to me in time

one night while cooking dinner
the song Ruby Baby by Dion popped into my head
well that was a sign from above and Ruby she became

Mom's birthday is in July with ruby as her birthstone
so it was very fitting

We had a good Christmas - I hosted so it is a lot of work
but I love having everyone gathered around the table
it just makes me happy

New Years Day we always got together for Chinese food
so I wanted to honour the Stiles tradition
and do it again this year with my brother, his fiance and the girls
we raised our glasses and toasted to a life well lived
2017 will be a good year.

Belated Happy New Year
to you and yours