Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Love Big

This is not a happy post ~ I will warn you now
but I feel like I have to write ~ I need to get it out
a little like when I used to keep a journal 
except now I type and post for the whole world to see 
instead of keeping my thought between pages and storing them in my bedside table

last Friday morning I was going through my daily routine
when something told me to pick up my phone
I picked it up and put it down
then picked it back up again

there was a message from my best friend's daughter
one that knocked the wind out of me
my bestie's sister had passed away the night before

honestly, I know that there is a circle of life
that we all have to die someday

but I find it so hard to accept when a sweet kind gentle being
that has been taking care of her terminally ill husband for the last 6 months
can be taken from this earth
leaving a 23 year old son that will soon lose his father as well

I guess that is the part that gets me
how uncertain tomorrow is

today was the funeral ~ the building was packed
a testament to a woman who was loved very much
the one with a smile, a kind word, a recipe, a how to
our resident Martha before Martha became the rage

she loved big ~ with her whole heart
last time I saw her was at a shower this spring
everyone would always ask how Dan was doing 
but when I sat down to talk to her that day I said
how are YOU doing
being the caretaker is exhausting ~ we do it for love
and tend to put things like our own well being
off to the side ~ for later
her later never came and that makes me sad
but I am so glad that I focused on her that day
it was the last time I saw her

I saw people today that I have not seen in years
there were lots of hugs and tears
and great conversations ~ some remember that time
and stories about Debbie

rest in peace sweet angel
gone too soon

Monday, May 19, 2014

Monday's Random Thoughts

It's a holiday Monday here and I am thankful for it

after being off a week on vacation where everyday brought something
it is nice to have a day for me ~ to do with what I wish 

originally they were predicting rain
but it has since cleared off and I feel like I need to get back outside

someone had a birthday on Thursday ~ yes my baby girl is 7
I can hardly believe it
these were not planned ~ while I was out shopping I happened across them
so you know I had to get them

we have had a gorgeous weekend ~ Friday I fell asleep in the lounge chair on the deck
and woke up with a little sunburn which thankfully has tanned up
scooped up Mom and went out for dinner that night
landed at a little takeout by the shore and had the best seafood
too much grease ~ too much food ~ but so so good

we made a pit stop at my girlfriend's place and got to see the whole gang
which was a treat to find everyone home

her daughter was also there visiting with this little monkey who just turned 1 last month

isn't he just the cutest!

Saturday the sun came out again ~ it was a gorgeous day
sunshine and heat are not something we have had a lot of
so everyone was enjoying it as you can see here 

I had cleaned out the flowerbeds on Thursday and could not get over
how much everything has burst up and open over the last 4 days
I am loving it all

while I was cleaning up the back beds I made the decision to pull the wood out of 
the front beds ~ some of it was just becoming one with the earth
and since they were here when we moved in ~ they were over 12 years old

I researched different edgings and decided to just trench them for now
until I figure out what I am going to use

don't mind the black wire ~ it's for our old school moon lights
and do not want to do anything drastic until I make a decision

do you have a favourite edging product?  I think I like brick
but I want them cheap or free!

I found this one on the Better Homes & Gardens website and I think I like it
thought?  comments?

yesterday we went down to the cape ~ opened the cottage so that was 
elbow grease cleaning ~ stripping beds and making lists
it was a great day for it ~ all the windows were opened ~ music blasting
we were getting stuff done and it felt good

and of course stopped at the farm on the way home
this view never gets old

the rhubarb will be awhile yet ~ but I can wait.

It's my blogging anniversary today ~ 5 years ~ can you even believe it!!

Wishing all my Canadian friends a Happy Victoria Day!

Monday, May 12, 2014


Motherhood never knocked on our door
and days like yesterday makes me painfully aware of it

some people have wondered
and some have asked

yes ~ we wanted kids
yes ~ we tried


we went through testing and poking and prodding
medications, temperature taking
scheduled sex = no romance

we did it all and although there was nothing wrong medically
with either one of us ~ it just did not happen

we did not go the AI or IVF route
at the time it was very costly and something that just was not in the cards
for us

we looked into adopting both locally and internationally
but it was something we did not actively pursue

I will never forget the Mother's Day weekend 2003
I was late ~ really late
we were hopeful ~ almost to the point of going out to buy baby rattles to present 
to both Mom's at dinner on Sunday

we were over the moon ~ it had been a long road and although I had not yet
taken a test ~ I knew it in my heart that there was a life growing ~ it had happened for us

then it was no more ~ I cried hard hot tears
and was at a breaking point ~ ready to give up on it all

the following Monday I was standing at the sink doing dishes
still feeling sorry for myself ~ beaten down ~ low low low
then all of the sudden this scent filled my kitchen
it was like my Dad had just walked through the back door
I was afraid to turn around ~ it had been a couple of years since he had passed
and had never stepped foot in this house as it was new to us

I did turn around ~ there was no one there
and then I leaned down and sniffed the water ~ wondering was was causing 
the scent ~ it was not coming from the sink

it was Dad paying me a visit ~ letting me know that everything was going to be ok

 I am not writing this so you can feel sorry for me
it is not a pity party

I have accepted the fact and am happy

I have 2 beautiful nieces that I love with all my heart

I have children of friends that love me like an Aunt
I have cheered them on ~ praised them
wrapped them tightly in hugs and kisses
they have filled my life with joy

if I only have one regret
it is that my mother in law will never be called Grammy
or Grandma ~ Nanny or Nana
I know she would have loved it

instead she is Grammy to 2 fur babies
the ones I mother and cuddle
the ones I love and cannot imagine being without

so yesterday when we gathered around the table
sharing great food, wine and conversation
I felt blessed to have both Mom's here

I wrote about both of them last year in my
"Women that made me" series ~ you can read about them here and here

Friday, May 9, 2014

Friday Potpourri ~ Spring is in the Air

It is the first time in awhile that I have 
had the creative urge

to look for the perfect pictures ~ group them together
and put them in a post



I have felt adrift
not depressed but not myself

not getting a lot accomplished
but not laying around and doing nothing

I know that the weather got me down in a big way
and I know I should not let it ~ but it does sometimes

Spring was a long time coming and just when we thought it was finally here
it was snatched away again

with that being said ~ I hope it is now here to stay
we have had another taste and I want more
the lawn is green ~ plants poking out of the ground
I want to dig in the dirt 



I am on vacation next week and I am hoping to 
get outside

work in the flowerbeds

sit on the deck with my coffee

unplug for awhile

meet with friends



planning dinner for Mother's Day on Sunday
looking forward to that

it will be nice to have both Moms here


long weekend plans in the works as well

open the cottage

get out with the camera

we will see



and if there happens to be a rainy day while I am off
I will make good use of it

Happy weekend