Love Big

This is not a happy post ~ I will warn you now

but I feel like I have to write ~ I need to get it out

a little like when I used to keep a journal 

except now I type and post for the whole world to see 

instead of keeping my thought between pages and storing them in my bedside table

last Friday morning I was going through my daily routine

when something told me to pick up my phone

I picked it up and put it down

then picked it back up again

there was a message from my best friend's daughter

one that knocked the wind out of me

my bestie's sister had passed away the night before

honestly, I know that there is a circle of life

that we all have to die someday

but I find it so hard to accept when a sweet kind gentle being

that has been taking care of her terminally ill husband for the last 6 months

can be taken from this earth

leaving a 23 year old son that will soon lose his father as well

I guess that is the part that gets me

how uncertain tomorrow is

today was the funeral ~ the building was packed

a testament to a woman who was loved very much

the one with a smile, a kind word, a recipe, a how to

our resident Martha before Martha became the rage

she loved big ~ with her whole heart

last time I saw her was at a shower this spring

everyone would always ask how Dan was doing 

but when I sat down to talk to her that day I said

how are YOU doing

being the caretaker is exhausting ~ we do it for love

and tend to put things like our own well being

off to the side ~ for later

her later never came and that makes me sad

but I am so glad that I focused on her that day

it was the last time I saw her

I saw people today that I have not seen in years

there were lots of hugs and tears

and great conversations ~ some remember that time

and stories about Debbie

rest in peace sweet angel

gone too soon

xo

Monday's Random Thoughts

It's a holiday Monday here and I am thankful for it

after being off a week on vacation where everyday brought something

it is nice to have a day for me ~ to do with what I wish 

originally they were predicting rain

but it has since cleared off and I feel like I need to get back outside

someone had a birthday on Thursday ~ yes my baby girl is 7

I can hardly believe it

these were not planned ~ while I was out shopping I happened across them

so you know I had to get them

we have had a gorgeous weekend ~ Friday I fell asleep in the lounge chair on the deck

and woke up with a little sunburn which thankfully has tanned up

scooped up Mom and went out for dinner that night

landed at a little takeout by the shore and had the best seafood

too much grease ~ too much food ~ but so so good

we made a pit stop at my girlfriend's place and got to see the whole gang

which was a treat to find everyone home

her daughter was also there visiting with this little monkey who just turned 1 last month

isn't he just the cutest!

Saturday the sun came out again ~ it was a gorgeous day

sunshine and heat are not something we have had a lot of

so everyone was enjoying it as you can see here 

I had cleaned out the flowerbeds on Thursday and could not get over

how much everything has burst up and open over the last 4 days

I am loving it all

while I was cleaning up the back beds I made the decision to pull the wood out of 

the front beds ~ some of it was just becoming one with the earth

and since they were here when we moved in ~ they were over 12 years old

I researched different edgings and decided to just trench them for now

until I figure out what I am going to use

don't mind the black wire ~ it's for our old school moon lights

and do not want to do anything drastic until I make a decision

do you have a favourite edging product?  I think I like brick

but I want them cheap or free!

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I found this one on the Better Homes & Gardens website and I think I like it

thought?  comments?

yesterday we went down to the cape ~ opened the cottage so that was 

elbow grease cleaning ~ stripping beds and making lists

it was a great day for it ~ all the windows were opened ~ music blasting

we were getting stuff done and it felt good

and of course stopped at the farm on the way home

this view never gets old

the rhubarb will be awhile yet ~ but I can wait.

It's my blogging anniversary today ~ 5 years ~ can you even believe it!!

Wishing all my Canadian friends a Happy Victoria Day!

Motherhood

Motherhood never knocked on our door

and days like yesterday makes me painfully aware of it

some people have wondered

and some have asked

yes ~ we wanted kids

yes ~ we tried

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we went through testing and poking and prodding

medications, temperature taking

scheduled sex = no romance

we did it all and although there was nothing wrong medically

with either one of us ~ it just did not happen

we did not go the AI or IVF route

at the time it was very costly and something that just was not in the cards

for us

we looked into adopting both locally and internationally

but it was something we did not actively pursue

I will never forget the Mother's Day weekend 2003

I was late ~ really late

we were hopeful ~ almost to the point of going out to buy baby rattles to present 

to both Mom's at dinner on Sunday

we were over the moon ~ it had been a long road and although I had not yet

taken a test ~ I knew it in my heart that there was a life growing ~ it had happened for us

then it was no more ~ I cried hard hot tears

and was at a breaking point ~ ready to give up on it all

the following Monday I was standing at the sink doing dishes

still feeling sorry for myself ~ beaten down ~ low low low

then all of the sudden this scent filled my kitchen

it was like my Dad had just walked through the back door

I was afraid to turn around ~ it had been a couple of years since he had passed

and had never stepped foot in this house as it was new to us

I did turn around ~ there was no one there

and then I leaned down and sniffed the water ~ wondering was was causing 

the scent ~ it was not coming from the sink

it was Dad paying me a visit ~ letting me know that everything was going to be ok

 I am not writing this so you can feel sorry for me

it is not a pity party

I have accepted the fact and am happy

I have 2 beautiful nieces that I love with all my heart

I have children of friends that love me like an Aunt

I have cheered them on ~ praised them

wrapped them tightly in hugs and kisses

they have filled my life with joy

if I only have one regret

it is that my mother in law will never be called Grammy

or Grandma ~ Nanny or Nana

I know she would have loved it

instead she is Grammy to 2 fur babies

the ones I mother and cuddle

the ones I love and cannot imagine being without

so yesterday when we gathered around the table

sharing great food, wine and conversation

I felt blessed to have both Mom's here

I wrote about both of them last year in my

"Women that made me" series ~ you can read about them here and here

Friday Potpourri ~ Spring is in the Air

It is the first time in awhile that I have 

had the creative urge

to look for the perfect pictures ~ group them together

and put them in a post

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I have felt adrift

not depressed but not myself

not getting a lot accomplished

but not laying around and doing nothing

I know that the weather got me down in a big way

and I know I should not let it ~ but it does sometimes

Spring was a long time coming and just when we thought it was finally here

it was snatched away again

with that being said ~ I hope it is now here to stay

we have had another taste and I want more

the lawn is green ~ plants poking out of the ground

I want to dig in the dirt 

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I am on vacation next week and I am hoping to 

get outside

work in the flowerbeds

sit on the deck with my coffee

unplug for awhile

meet with friends

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planning dinner for Mother's Day on Sunday

looking forward to that

it will be nice to have both Moms here

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long weekend plans in the works as well

open the cottage

get out with the camera

we will see

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and if there happens to be a rainy day while I am off

I will make good use of it

Happy weekend

#redballoonsforryan