Motherhood

Motherhood never knocked on our door

and days like yesterday makes me painfully aware of it

some people have wondered

and some have asked

yes ~ we wanted kids

yes ~ we tried

via

we went through testing and poking and prodding

medications, temperature taking

scheduled sex = no romance

we did it all and although there was nothing wrong medically

with either one of us ~ it just did not happen

we did not go the AI or IVF route

at the time it was very costly and something that just was not in the cards

for us

we looked into adopting both locally and internationally

but it was something we did not actively pursue

I will never forget the Mother's Day weekend 2003

I was late ~ really late

we were hopeful ~ almost to the point of going out to buy baby rattles to present 

to both Mom's at dinner on Sunday

we were over the moon ~ it had been a long road and although I had not yet

taken a test ~ I knew it in my heart that there was a life growing ~ it had happened for us

then it was no more ~ I cried hard hot tears

and was at a breaking point ~ ready to give up on it all

the following Monday I was standing at the sink doing dishes

still feeling sorry for myself ~ beaten down ~ low low low

then all of the sudden this scent filled my kitchen

it was like my Dad had just walked through the back door

I was afraid to turn around ~ it had been a couple of years since he had passed

and had never stepped foot in this house as it was new to us

I did turn around ~ there was no one there

and then I leaned down and sniffed the water ~ wondering was was causing 

the scent ~ it was not coming from the sink

it was Dad paying me a visit ~ letting me know that everything was going to be ok

 I am not writing this so you can feel sorry for me

it is not a pity party

I have accepted the fact and am happy

I have 2 beautiful nieces that I love with all my heart

I have children of friends that love me like an Aunt

I have cheered them on ~ praised them

wrapped them tightly in hugs and kisses

they have filled my life with joy

if I only have one regret

it is that my mother in law will never be called Grammy

or Grandma ~ Nanny or Nana

I know she would have loved it

instead she is Grammy to 2 fur babies

the ones I mother and cuddle

the ones I love and cannot imagine being without

so yesterday when we gathered around the table

sharing great food, wine and conversation

I felt blessed to have both Mom's here

I wrote about both of them last year in my

"Women that made me" series ~ you can read about them here and here