Out of the Shadows

Yes - here I am 

after 3 months away

truth be told, I did not intend to stay away this long

I have formulated a post in my mind many times

but never pulled the pin to actually sit down and type down the words

until tonight.

When I last posted I had a huge case of daughter guilt

feeling bad that I was not missing Mom

as much as I thought I should

I talked to a few people about how I was feeling

and they all helped in their own ways

but I felt it was time to pull out the big guns

and actually talk to a professional

we have an employee assistance program at work

and it is free, so I made the call

they gave me a choice of sitting down with someone face to face

or I could do it over the phone

I had visions of me laying on a couch with the doc smoking a pipe

and jotting down notes on me

so I opted for the phone call

Did he help me - absolutely

after one hour long conversation he asked questions

and I poured it all out

he asked - so you are feeling guilty because you are feeling some relief that she is gone?

OMG - I am a terrible person if I do admit to that!

seems that I am not so terrible - I loved my Mama deeply

and was there for her through so much

but she was tired ~ and existing 

no longer really living the life she wanted

so it was time for her to join Dad where she has wanted to be

the last 15 years.

So I had 2 phone sessions and felt better

I think I just needed someone to say - hey - it's ok

you don't have to curl up in the fetal position and cry day and night

I threw myself into holiday prep

lists were made, shopping was done

baking and decorating

wrapping and singing Christmas songs

I took a week off in November and got lots done

bought myself a new baby - a Kitchenaid stand mixer

thanks to some money Mom left me

everyone thought I should name her Linda

but I knew something would come to me in time

one night while cooking dinner

the song Ruby Baby by Dion popped into my head

well that was a sign from above and Ruby she became

Mom's birthday is in July with ruby as her birthstone

so it was very fitting

We had a good Christmas - I hosted so it is a lot of work

but I love having everyone gathered around the table

it just makes me happy

New Years Day we always got together for Chinese food

so I wanted to honour the Stiles tradition

and do it again this year with my brother, his fiance and the girls

we raised our glasses and toasted to a life well lived

2017 will be a good year.

Belated Happy New Year

to you and yours

xo